Relationships Are Hard

Relationships are hard. They are, there's no question about that. Be it a relationship with a friend or something with someone you are, or want to be, romantically involved with. Even 'skinny' people have this problem, right?

What my problem is, being the size I am with the personality I have - not terribly out going or talkative when I'm uncomfortable or don't know people - making new friends and/or finding a boyfriend is very, very, hard. It seems like no one wants to look at someone like me when there are other, read: skinnier, girls to look at. It's really painful and it makes going out difficult and terribly uncomfortable.

Let's talk about making friends, first.

I'm 24 years old and the people I consider my 'best' friends, are the girls I was friends with in high school. I didn't make friends very well in college and since I don't go out very much, I don't really make friends. Period. I have friends I've met through writing and, while they are terribly important to me and I love them all deeply, they are HOURS or even COUNTRIES away. It's sad, really.

Am I considering moving to a different state to be closer to the people I could be friends with and not feel totally selfconscious? Yes. Does the idea of moving that far away from my family scare me? I could pee my pants.

Part of the reason I don't go out is because I'm self conscious. I know this and I know I need to work on it but working on it is hard and uncomfortable.

The other part is that I don't like to go out and have people looking at me. Is that part of being self conscious?

I think I feel that, if I just don't go out and I wait until I've lost the weight I want to, it'll be easier and I'll feel more confident. But, until then, it makes for a relatively lonely existence - and living on 'what if' is like living on air, you'll survive but you'll starve to death. I think that if I didn't live with my parents, I wouldn't really see people. I'd hide away in my apartment and read. Now, considering the state of the world, that doesn't really sound too bad. I like Harry Potter and Anita Blake a lot. I could live vicariously through their imaginary worlds.

Moving on to boys.

Boys are...dumb. They really are. I don't think I'll ever understand them.

The boys that do look at me, just look at me for sex or something of the like. I'm sorry, they make blowup dolls for that. Or, they're old. Or creepers. Or really young. For example: There's a boy that works at my building who has a crush on me. I've had multiple people tell me that. He actually asked me out the other day - a lesson in politely turning someone down. Awkward: 1 vs Jessica: 0.

He's really nice and he entertains me, but he's a baby. I'm not even kidding, like 17. And he's really short. (I know, I know, beggars can't be choosers. But, I'm not begging.) He's just not the type of boy I'd take home to meet my family.

I think all the reading has gotten to me. I have an image in my head of the type of guy I want to be with and he's probably a fictional character that I've read about in one of the thousands of books I've been through. Damn you, romantic novels! Putting myths about good men into my head. The good ones are either gay or taken, didn't you know that, fiction writers? Stop giving me dreams of grandeur!

Ah, well. Good things come to those who wait, right? Or is it something about if you wait too long, the chocolate melts? I don't know. Oooo, chocolate.

What have I learned?
Stop being a baby. Go out and do things. Try to make friends. It's not going to kill you, even if it extraordinarily uncomfortable. Hey, if my shy and quiet cousin in Georgia can join a Sorority, I can go out sometimes and try to make friends, right? Right.

Until next time,
Jessica

So Far: -6/50 :: No change but at least I haven't gained. Should eat less chocolate.